TRP BLOG

Saving your marriage / relationship

What do you cherish about each other?

Begin by thinking about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Was it something physical? Was it a shared hobby or belief? Was it friends in common?
How did your relationship develop into closeness? What made you decide to live together or get married? Be honest here with yourself and with each other.
What from those early days is worth recapturing? How can you begin to do this?

Have you got into bad habits?

Once the early shine rubs off a relationship, it’s easy to forget some of the little things that nourish the joy and love you share. Like remembering to be polite to each other. Do you say please and thank you to each other? Do you take time to do things for each other? Is life one long competition between you to score points?

Take some time to write down your own bad points and see if you can think of something better to do. When you have written this list, you ind a way to admit your faults to each other, as part of the plan below. It can also be quite purging to write a list of the things you most dislike about your partner. Once you have got this out of your system look again at the list and write on a new list what you would rather have instead. Keep the new list and destroy the old one, preferably with fire! You can keep adding new thoughts to your ‘wish’ list as they occur to you. These wishes can be in any part of your relationship, from the way to treat the dog to what you would like in the bedroom.

How do you move forward from here?

You have now identified some positive feelings and memories to build on. You’ve flushed out some bad behaviours to banish from the relationship, or replace with better behaviours. Time to make a plan.

First set up some dates for you both to spend un-interrupted time together working on this. Get help from friends and family if children need to be looked after. This time need only be an hour at a time. It can be done at home, no need to go on a date to do this. Once a week minimum to start with, and always make the next date before you finish the one you are on.
Next, what should you talk about or do?
Begin by expressing what it is you love about each other. Take it in turns and use the following formula.

I love it when you xyz
I love the way you xyz.
What I love about you is xyz
I love xyz about you and as I think of this I feel abc

Ten things each. They can be intimate, funny, loving, serious. Notice how you feel when something nice is said to you. Tell your partner if they say something nice, which particularly gets through to you. If you say something which hits a ‘bum’ note, say sorry and find something else to replace it so you both give each other ten positive strokes.
For more help refer to our book ‘Let’s Talk Love’.
This should put you both in a positive state to begin a discussion on what each of you would like from the other. Refer to your ‘wish’ list from above and also your own misdemeanour list, with positive alternatives added. Again take it in turns, one item at a time, so no-one feels picked on and so you don’t run out of time before both of you have had a say.
When you do this the one receiving the ‘list’ of wrong doings needs to be in a forgiving mood and join in helping their partner find other ways to correct errant behaviours. Humour can be a great help here. If you join in and tell your partner just how very bad they are this exercise will not lead to a healing of rifts!
If time is up or either of you begins to feel uncomfortable take a break. The one who calls the break must commit to the next appointment, or returning to the discussion if taking a short break.

Are you staying together for the right reasons?

There can be plenty of external ‘negative’ reasons for staying together, upset to children, family and friends. The extra cost of multiple houses. Not wanting your partner to have all the money. The ‘shame’ that your relationship failed. If it is only these ‘external’ factors which are keeping you together, then admit it to each other and work to find a way to live together without causing everyone including yourselves pain. You may need some professional help to come to a suitable arrangement. Call us FREE on 0800 298 938 or email us.