TRP BLOG

Separation and Divorce

You’ve made the big decision to separate - and now you face a period of upheaval and emotional turmoil as you work through the details of dissolving your partnership.

It may not feel like anything’s changed

You may be facing an interim period before things are settled which is difficult for both of you:

Shared bank or building society accounts and joint responsibility for bills may test you at a time when trust is already at a low or non-existent level
You may be living separate lives under the same roof as you work out how to split the equity in your house or decide who will retain the lease on your flat. Continuing to live in close proximity when emotions are running high can be like rubbing salt into a wound.
Sharing responsibility for children can open up a whole new can of worms as you try to work out what’s best for them and what works for each of you. This is a time when your different views on the way children should be brought up can give rise to yet more rows.You might begin to doubt that your ‘ex’ should have anything to do with ‘your’ children.

Fears about the future?

Children

Will it affect their relationship with you?
Will it affect their school work?
Will it affect their friendships?
Are you the one who is left to pick up the pieces with them?
Are you the one who now has lost daily contact?
How will they grow up in a one parent family?

Children are incredibly resilient and the best thing you can both do for them is to tell them clearly that you both love them. Do your best to keep arguments for when they are not around. Apologise to them if you argue in front of them and explain that Mummy and Daddy are having a some trouble in their relationship. Avoid using them as pawns in a battle to inflict most pain on your ex-. Not only is this bad for the children it will come back to haunt you later.

Money

This is a potentially explosive area. Seek help as soon as you can to find ways to separate liquid funds and to set up banking arrangements which give you both a sense of control. Be aware that banks and other financial institutions will worry about their security on any loans, mortgages etc. The sooner you inform them about the situation the more help they can give you in sorting things out. If you are the ‘designated’ account holder, the bank will only talk to you. If it’s your partner, they will only talk to them. Make sure the children’s needs are covered and they don’t fall between you.

Loneliness

At first the absence of stress may feel blissful and quiet. As you consider the future beyond divorce you may begin to wonder if you will always be alone. At this time you may be vulnerable to entering any relationship in order not to be alone. Take your time before committing to someone new.

Health

Stress affects how we feel, our appetite, our energy and our patience with other people. If you appear to be short with people, or fly off the handle very quickly, this is a symptom of your unhappiness. It will pass in time. Ask your colleagues to be patient with you and look for support from family and friends.

How will you go about your divorce / separation?

Unfortunately the extent to which your divorce or separation affects you isn’t entirely in your control. Your soon to be ex-partner plays an equal part in deciding how the negotiations will be conducted.

Professional help - solicitors. Just about every firm of solicitors will give you a free or low cost first interview of 20 minutes to ½ hour. Use this time wisely by thinking about the questions you need answered before going to see someone. Write them down and if you feel nervous ask someone else to go along with you.
You may like the first solicitor you see. If you don’t find another one.
The solicitor will tell you about the different ways to divorce, once they have established for certain that you want to go down this route. If you want to stay in control and can be civil and fair with your ex-partner consider collaborative divorce as a modern, respectful way to deal with a difficult situation. Read more about this here.

Coping with your emotions

Divorce or separation is more than the ending of a relationship. It brings with it the opportunity for a new and fulfilling next stage to your life. There are two things you can do to take advantage of this opportunity:

A common side effect of dysfunctional relationships is the loss of self-confidence, self-esteem or self-belief. Take steps to rebuild your inner strength so you can be sure you live your future in the way you want to live it.
Your feelings of anger, betrayal, bitterness or regret are understandable and need to be acknowledged. And then they need to be lodged where they belong - in the past - because they will only spoil your future if you hang onto them.